The etymological meaning of the word shame is “to hide” or “cover up”. The experience of shame isn’t often tied to one single event, but often experienced instead as a pervasive sense of not being good enough in some shape or form.
Shame often shows up as other emotions, which are maybe seen as being more acceptable. For example, men may feel more able to access anger, than disclose underlying feelings of shame, which might be connected. Or, the experience of guilt can often be confused with shame. However, a clear difference in this respect, is that feelings of guilt can often be resolved through some form of practical intervention, which may include confession and making amends. However, the experience of shame is in large part tied to our experience of identity and how we see ourselves. In this respect shame can exert a powerful influence on our self esteem, leading to feelings of depression and anxiety.
Shame can show up in differing ways for men and women. Men have often been taught that it its unacceptable to show their vulnerability or capacity for care. In this respect, many men often confuse being humble, in terms of being open about their limitations and asking for help; with feelings of humiliation. This often leaves many men, waiting until there is a crisis in their lives, before feeling they have the permission to ask for help and support.
For many women, the experience of shame shows itself through the objectification of themselves within the constructs of a patriarchal system. Women in this sense, learn to view themselves and their idea of the female form, through the male lens. This loss of autonomy and compliance can in turn, lead to feelings of shame. In that the experience of being a women, as defined by oneself, is then experienced in some way as inferior.
5 sources of shame, including:
Genetic and biochemical
Family of origin
Self-shaming thoughts and feelings orchestrated by one’s own narrative
Current humiliating relationships
Contemporary culture
(GOLDBERG, C., 1991. Understanding Shame. London: Jason Aronson.)
From a developmental perspective, shame becomes an inevitable consequence of being alive. As children we are wholly dependant on our primary care givers. Part of the process of developing into our own sense of self is being able, by degrees to tolerate the inevitable discrepancy between the child’s needs of dependancy and the capacity of the parents.
However, where this mis-attunement has been too great, the child’s experience of those needs, becomes associated with abandonment or rejection and subsequently, feelings of shame. This in turn, can then become a narrative taken into adulthood, in needing others, then becomes too risky and has to be defended against.
The experience of beginning therapy can also bring feelings of shame. In this respect, this may be the first time in our lives, where we have been confronted with the recognition that we are not in control of our ourselves and our relationships in the way we believed.
The therapeutic process can offer a space to bring all these feelings and understand the underlying places of wounding that shame became associated with.